kai (カイ),

hatachi (はたち/20),

temasek polytechnic (IIT/IMI)

My hopes were alone in the desolate night sky,
They soared high until they were crushed.
In exchange for glory that triumphs over darkness,
I have given up many things I sought to protect.
This is too futile..

It's been a while since I've last updated, time past by real fast and now it's the fasting month yet again. A lot of things has happened, I don't think that I could say everything in just one post. But anyway, I miss my band. I wonder if everyone agree to reunite back.

And I updated the layout to be jQuery powered, it took me quite some time even though it looks almost the same.
What else should I add eh?

And feel free to link/follow/whatever

Monday, May 09 2005 @ 8:54 PM
" But people seems to misunderstand me, every single time.. "

Sunday, December 04, 2005 @ 11:27 PM
" I've found some people that I've finally trust.. "

Friday, December 30, 2005 @ 12:42 AM
".. a dream of you in a world without you"

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 @ 11:28 PM
"everything's not right, promises are being broken."

Baby, don’t worry, it’s alright, a-alright when it knocks you down
Somewhere far along this road,
Stressed out, I wanna let it go, I feel down

& oh, I've been traveling on this road too long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone

With a big smile on my face
And it never seems out of place.

Sorry for not updating, have been spending time with friends, work & her. Chalet, slacking & overnight almost at random timing.

Like just now,
I just reached home from a slacking session with Anwar & Yun Qi. Lucky for me that I'm not working later on. Can rest for a little bit longer. Things have been going pretty fine with everyone, my friends & ..
Oh and the House of Night series is really interesting to read, I wonder when should I catch up with everyone, I'm really a slow reader. Or maybe just because I don't really concentrate much on reading, I'm not really that bookworm but this book is really interesting, you should read it! Oh before I forget to tell, just to add up I've finally graduate and got into the course that I want at TP. Hello TP-ians? I wonder if my new friends is nice? But Acez, Rain and some others got into NYP in multimedia, the same course that I'm in. I wonder if I miss them.
Wonderwalls.

& the weather these days have been moody, I hate rain; for making me feeling so depressed. Especially on those really gloomy days when everything is so wrong.
Whatever it is I still have you!

Note to self,
6th April: Collection of Enrollment package at TP
8th April: Night driving
9th April: Demo recording session with FHS

I love you.

If I had the power to stop time, I've already did it; Wishing everytime that the clock would stand still so I could accomplish everything that I want. Today is already monday, last two days was pretty hectic. Work opening, and after that went out till wee hour I'm still shagged right now. Feel like sleeping the whole day! & We celebrated Li rong's birthday on Saturday. They managed to pull off a suprise. Happy birthday, kid!

Yesterday was a simple day out, followed Stride to book chalet; met Acez & Feekah at bugis and slacked there all the way.

I need to work, anyone can recommend me a job? Willing to stay for quite a long time. MSN ME!

I miss 维罗尼卡.

Was a very simple day, went to school to wrap up my project which after that went to cut my hair (and it looks ugly). Head home to shower & off to meeting her, watched "Dear John" and it was quite O-K. A lil bit draggy though on the storyline but nevertheless I don't really like those super sappy love story. Gooooosebumps.
Wanted to meet the 'Full Effects' but by the time I finished my movie date, it's already late. I'm so so sorry guys. I really wanted to join you guys!

"Let's go and wash Fenrir!", said 维罗尼卡 randomly. So We went down to my usual spot to wash him and wow! It really look clean now. Scrubbed like there's no tomorrow. Thank you so much. Oh yeah, we also fetched my mom off to work and she's quite suprised that I'm with.. so yeah!

I'm blessed with such a kind & sweet person.
Thank you for everything, 维罗尼卡

愛しています

Just came back from work and I'm really tired. I want to find a new job,
Anyone?

我 爱 你 维 罗 尼 卡.

It's already the year of 2010, I really can say that I'm quite content with what life has in store for me so far this year. Thank you for staying with me, everyone.
Should I also say that I'm also real thankful to you for accepting me the way I am right now.
How I wish the clock would really stand still so I could treasure and cherish every moments with everyone cause it seems like time is really running fast. In just a moment it's already February of 2010 and I'm graduating soon from my ITE school years. What's next, polytechnic or.. national service?

For the one that I love

Alot has happenned, and it won't fit in to just one single post. I'm sorry blog, you've passed out once again.
:\

Today is the start of a new semester, my last gpa was 3.413 or so. Am going to maintain, study hard and improve so atleast I could go into poly and further my studies one last time before I'm going NS. Or maybe should I go NS first?

I do not know man, my path is split into two after I graduate but both will lead to the same end. How?
I miss you I hope you doing well friends.

I softly close my eyes and cry
For all my tears that has run dry..

Yeah yeah yeah! Too late too soon, selamat hari raya people. It's been too fast I'm unable to grasp the time now and it's the 4th day of Raya. So guys, when are we going out? Text me as soon as possible alright so atleast I could make some days free for you.

Anyway, things are a bit different this year eh? Wished that everything didn't happened but I guess it's all blessing in disguise.

I miss you I hope you doing well, :\

I found two of my old personal journal and I tell you how I've changed alot since the past few years. Alot of things has really happened and it's true that people really come and go. It's not that I have any problem with that but thanks to those who still stays with me up until now.

Yesterday jogging was a failure, stopped near 3 quarter of the whole round. Maybe my mindset and body condition isn't up to standard but I'm going to try again tomorrow. Yeah yeah, we're left with 4-5 days to hari raya. My house is really undergoing through alot of maintenance. Hahaha! I really hope I can maintain the cleanliness of the house. ;x
Later I'll be working at 6pm, anyone wanna join me for breakfast at macafe?

Wishing the clock would stand still, the world can wait~

See? I told you so! It's already the 3rd week of fasting month and I don't even feel that time is moving. Well except for the time when I was really really hungry at work and stomach's just feel very empty. Still I managed to fast up until now with no excuse!

Oh and I managed to jog at reservoir under 26 mins! That's really a remarkable achievement as I haven't been jogging for quite a long time. Still all it takes was that very mindset I used to hold every single time I fall. Right?
I'm not really looking forward to Hari Raya as there's a slight change this year. I don't know eh?

I love going back to old accounts I made, keep giving me new friends that were actually old friends that I keep losing contact.
Going to change my url link again, good night.

The ones who I confide were gone in the black of the night.

The fasting month has started, I just finished sahuring and today's the 5th day. Time flies by so fast and I'm sure after a few blinks, it will soon be Hari Raya. Anyway, a few hours more and I'm off to school. Not sure if I'm going to catch a quick nap as I'm scared that I oversleep and missed both my school and practical lessons.

Oh, thanks for waking me up.

I won't forget these feelings

Bad things really comes with a blessings. Like they always say, everything is blessings in disguise. No matter how many times you fall, you cry, you hurt and etc; there will always be something good in return,
Or that was what I always believed in.

On 15th of August I finally passed my RTT and was able to continue my practical lessons without worrying anything about any written tests anymore, just thinking about it give me the chills man. And For Her Sake's gig was also running very smoothly even though it was a small crowd, it was alive. Thanks for coming, and for those who don't; there's always next time, RIGHT?

One week seems to past by so fast, this saturday is the beginning of fasting month. It all seems to be so fast that half a year has just gone by without noticing that much.
Really!
Well, better get going now, I'm off to study.

See you some other day

What a day, I always ended up on the losing side. I have to earn a lot now but how? The exams is coming and I can't really work that much so how the heck am I going to earn that much to pay back what I've lost?

Such a friend you are, thanks anyway but I know it's my carelessness.
Whatever.

I'm not feeling well, my head hurts with all this stress that keep coming again and again. Give me a break man. Now I'm lost with words as you've already got your happiness, correct?

Read:
You're the only one I turn to
When I feel like no one's there
And when I'm lonely in my darkest hour
You give me the power to sit and pretend

Sorry, but fuck this luck of mine. What a fucked up month. Lost Farhaimi's video camera, Acez's distortion, Shai broke my first string of my guitar, fucking tired, performance for NDP's ceremony was cancelled or more like change of plans. What fuck shit is this!

Really I don't know what's up with me and luck that it really hits me big time now. Feel fucking stress right now, how am I going to earn alot of money to pay back those two things, plus Amzar's and Iskandar's. Fuck fuck fuck shittttttttttttttts!

Urgh, I swear I hate this kind of repeating shits. This is the first time I'm in this fucked up shitty situation. I need to cool down.
:(

Can I please wake up from this nightmare..

Just came back home from work, yet another long; tiring and aching day. I just wish that I have one full day of sleep at home so will you please give me some time? Thanks.

Anyway, woke up at around 12-1pm+ by Anuar's text message saying that one of our colleague can't make it to work so I have to come at 3pm. I already anticipated this so I just went to work. I thought it was a normal day but just now when I was about to open my doors to head off to work. There's this one green bird that was flying and stucked in between my door and the gate. It was really really very weird and eery as I know that nothing like this has ever happened before, one more thing is that my gate holes are quite small so there's no way that it accidentally went inside without squeezing through it. But the bird was really beautiful, the size is like the whole of my palm. Should have taken a picture of it but I was already late to work.

So yeah had to accompany my colleague as one of my friends too didn't came. What bullshit crap -.-"
Oh and thanks friend for the random hug that you asked, it did cool this little feelings of --------- settle down for a little bit.
Really~

Just to be with you a little bit longer..

I shall complain about how tired I am with the out of a blue moon 'jogging' session with my colleagues and working around the afternoon and here I am just reached home from a very long day.

Jogging was fun with them, although I vomitted back what I ate before with them. Redbull & Blueberry muffin really doesn't mix well eh? Anyway, had breakfast after that and went home to rest. But guess what? I got to sleep for just a hour or so. And suddenly when I woke up, the sudden new inspiration with melodies came right into my head. Luckily I managed to record it or else..

After that, went to work at around 5 and bus 31 is shit I tell you. They just speed off without even entering the bus stop to check whether any passengers wanna board that bus. What shit! Ended up a lil bit late but today was so busy at Macafe I nearly drop dead. There were so many customers right until the very end of my shift. Oh and I took part in the pledge thingy at 8.22pm. Felt like superstars with alot of cameras and flashes all over us. Happy national day anyway.

And Macdonalds shouldn't really put up a live football match there, felt like some kopitiam with those football fanatics shouting and screaming all over and it always doesn't fail to shock me each time. -.-"

Alright, the bed is calling.

How I wish that you’ll understand me..

Okay maybe I'll take back my words and say that this blog is alive back? Heh, cause I suddenly had the mood to update since it's really been too much of a lazy-bum for me to update it. I've changed the layout to be the most simplest off all layout I've ever used before.

Oh, and I've been so busy lately with work, school, projects, tons of assignments (excuses~) but I'll try my best to update this blog and get this lazy fingers to type something here.
To start off, I'm working this saturday and sunday (national day parade) if you happen to drop by just look for me alright? and it's double pay too means double the money I'll be having the next pay. Haha!

For Her Sake has progressed loads since the last time I even talked about it here. We're having a gig on the 15th of August at FAD media studio. For enquiries please proceed to my facebook page or straight to Nisflickdanco's events page here!

Support local music peeps.

There’s no place for me to return to, either..

I declare that this blog is dead.

It's time to move on,
Out from this shell that I've been hiding
I know it's pointless to stay
But why do I still unable to move?

I'm tired, sick of all these
I just want you to know
That

I'm alone, always..
and forever..

You know,
it really hurts to suppress all of these feelings anymore.
I need, you..

Ash latte, belt, two jeans, cuffs;
All that's left now is you.

It's beeeeeen soooooo tiring working like almost every single day. And when it's my only off day, noone really pity me and let me rest for the whole day and the feeling is like shit. But whatever, I hope you take care, friend!

I love my right eye.

It has already been more than 2 weeks since I last updated here. Feel the dead air here? Haha.
Anyway, just to let you know I'm having my school holidays now and since I'm taking something. Might as well I'll work extra hard to earn extra cash man.

Oh, and I finally got my beanie name tag.
:D

Full moon sway, gently in the night of one fine day
You are there, smiling for all these years..

*big sighs*

I really need a whole day of beauty sleep, like seriously..

Let's blog something undepressing shall we?
Schooooool is tiring but fun; Work is busy & hectic but fun; and friends..
Hee.

Should I hold on to something that I won't be able to grasp?
:'\

I'm in a gooooooood mood to blog now so I'll be nice and write a much sincere post.
Anyway, what busy schedule I have this past few weeks. Have been busy with work, school, friends and..
Yeah, that's why this blog really seems dead and I don't think people will read my blog anymore anyway.
Haha!

Jamming with my past band seems fun although we lacked of someone who can't really make but that's fine. It's been awhile yeah? And For Her Sake seems like it's really on a super hiatus mode since almost everyone is busy with their own things in life but I'm fine with it since I'm also kind of busy but I miss jamming with them.

Ahh, okay then.
I better get going, I wanna do some things.
Good nights.

Oh why do you keep playing this kind of games,
I'm not that childish and I'm not that foolish.
Here I am again trying to fix things up,
And you know, please
Wake up, my friend!

Our promise, those words; I will hold on to it.
Cause we have our own place in each other's heart.

I'm tired, but all I know is that it was really a blessing to meet you.
Good night.

It's been awhile since I last updated this dusty blog. I've been really busy with my new job, school and band as usual. First up, I'm currently working at macafe so if you guys are free, do drop by yeah? Secondly, I've got my chosen specialization which is multimedia and the classes are quite okay even though I know pretty much of the basics and stuffs. As 'For Her Sake', we just performed this morning at ITE macpherson's cca roadshow. Even though it didn't went that smooth due to some shit that happened just now, we managed to pull our new original called..

Anyway, I can't wait to meet that 'kental' someone next wednesday. Don't change the appointment again ya?
:)

for you, as promised.
just came back from camp yesterday and still feeling tired.
more updates soon.
:)

I suddenly remembered somebody, well not one but alot of people actually. Firstly, that really first bestfriend. Which was my kindergarten bestfriend, somehow we lost contact with each other since 2002 if i'm not wrong. 7 years has already passed and now I'm trying my best to find her back.

At the same time there's my first special someone;I still remembered the first time I saw you inside the mrt. Anyway, I was still young & naive at that time but I know the love is still pure, true and honest. Somehow I still remember her last few words which gave me a reality check and made me become someone better.
It has also been awhile eh, I'm really glad we're friends back now.
Your jokes really were funny ones, I guess last time I was really stupid not to try harder.
But it's okay, cause we've learn something. If it's not for you, I won't be here stronger.
Thanks.

Like always, one week has already passed by so fast. it's already the second week of our holidays. Have been busy with alot of things due to post-exams enjoyments such as "Left 4 Dead", jamming and performing at ITE Bedok today.

For the start it was a little bit cock-up due to the PA system for mics and stuffs. But luckily we pull it off. Video will be post later when I receive it from Acez. A little bit spoil was that Raimi tried to spin his guitars but failed. Was sad though.

After performing, went to jamming and suprisingly we played alot of our songs and had alot of fun there.

Do check it out cause we're maybe going to do a school tour.
:)

I'm left for dead.

Let's write something weird:

“I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I’m going to smile.”
—unknown
This is actually some great break up advice in two ways: First you are not being needy in front of your ex, you demonstrate strength and your ex may wonder if she/he has made the right decision. Also, constant smiling despite the fact that you feel terrible is a great way “to trick” your mind. By smiling, the body sends signals to the mind that you are happy, even if you are not. Eventually the mind WILL accept the state of the body.

1) Firstly, a smile isn't just used for break ups. It's mostly about everything, to me a smile could be really powerful and it could be somewhat dangerous too. There's alot of types of smiles. I could only list three types: evil ones, sincere ones & fake ones. But isn't all this leads to one thing? to cover up alot of hidden feelings and words.

Let's start with the evil smile, you may not know it but sometimes it's pretty obvious that person has some evil intentions deep within it. But who knows that whenever bad things happen, you will realise something good behind it?

And then there's the fake smile, I could say that I'm actually quite good in this since a fake smile could look like a sincere smile if you're good at it. But why some people says it's wrong? Cause by doing this, you're hiding your actual feelings by using it. Even if it's a good, bad or even sad feelings, if your intentions were meant not to trouble people with your feelings, use it! Cause I really think this is the most useful way to not make people around worries about you. Even though sometimes I do want people to know what I feel sometimes.

Anyway moving on to the sincere smile, this is by far the most crucial smile ever. This smile could make wonders, can even change the people around you with just this. But of course, as always. It's the intention of doing this that always counts.

--

2) ".. Also, constant smiling despite the fact that you feel terrible is a great way “to trick” your mind. By smiling, the body sends signals to the mind that you are happy, even if you are not. Eventually the mind WILL accept the state of the body."

I somehow agree and disagree with this point, constant smiling could trick your mind but isn't humans made up of 3 basic things? Mind, body and heart? Even though you manage to make your mind and body to accept that you are happy, it's the heart what matters the most. Someway or another, for sure you will feel real sad deep down and really wants to break down. And isn't this 'constant smile despite feeling terrible' a fake smile? I don't know about some, but to me they're just putting up a strong front so that they want people to know they're okay but sometimes, I really feel that it's okay to let out of your feelings once in a while.

This is, however my honest opinion. Sorry if I don't make sense.
Smile, :)

Ignore the first post, just feel like saying it.

Anyway, Day 3 which is yesterday was really fast. Firstly it's because the first lesson was FIA and I haven't really finished the project (or more like didn't even started it) and I did it all by myself. Which of course I'd just copied the circuitry from the group who had finish it and was working. After all that, went to eat at the coffeeshop. Slack and talk about random stuffs with Nuriskandar and Amzar. Around 1+ we headed to maths class as I was really lagging behind. Still I managed to catch up with the class pace. But I still find it irritating when some people who does things fast and doesn't really care about other classmates.
-.-

At night I decided to study with Amzar and Shahrin, which resulted in a temporary jammed brain and triggered my frustration mode. Sorry!
I've been keeping too much, but thanks for lifting the burden of me;
My dear friend.

--

Day 4,
As a result of sleeping late yesterday, today I ended waking up very late and didn't attend maths class. But to cover things up, went to study with Haslina around our hometown from 3+ till night. Was really tired and decided to go home.
And here I am.

PS: Friends, don't drift away from me.

My strength of the world, thanks.

Day 2 was stressed, somehow I feel that once I lost my pace it's hard to catch up with the class. I really need to concentrate on my maths, as there's some chapters which I didn't attend those classes and now I'm struggling to understand. But so far for another module of mine, it's getting better and better. I hope that I could improve my GPA for this semester.

Today was a simple day, explains the short post but I'm trying to consistently update this blog for a straight 7 days of my study mode. And dear friend, stop with your sarcasm when you don't know a single thing that I've been through alright?

Like falling ashes of snow.

Day 1 of my super study mode was okay. Managed to be early in the morning for my morning module, was actually quite suprised that I was one of the first few who reached first. Really concentrated on doing the assignments that the teacher gave us but the focus dropped as the others came to the class. Especially aniki, but luckily I managed to finish the assignment. Lunch break was a bit random, we went jamming and covered a song called Girl on Queen Street by Plain Sunset with Afiq, Acez and me. Halfway, Amzar and Shahrin joined us and I tried playing Ash like snow too. But sadly Acez haven't really learned/listened to the song yet but that's okay if nobody really wants to cover that song except for me.

Anyway, reached maths class a bit late but managed to catch up with the others and really was straining my dried brain trying to understand all of those new things while maintaining the same speed with my other classmates. I know I'm a bit slow if I missed alot of things, but I hope I make it through the exams. After those 2 hours of drying up my dead brain cells, rushed to meet Amai Megumi as I was a little bit late. Gome! Anyway we headed down to marina square to have our breakfast & lunch altogether at Qiji. After making our stomachs full, went straight to the esplanade's library and study. At around 7.30pm, we decided to head home as she and I were really dead tired.

And nice vampire teeths.

Like always, everytime I update this blog with a new layout;
This urge to update consistently never fails to make me post even about random things. I love this song that I embed at my blog, it's called Daybreak's Bell by L'Arc-en-Ciel. The song really puts me in a trance where this feeling of appreciating people around you and the loneliness comes in.

Putting that aside, I feel that everyone's leaving me for their love one by one. Am I really the one lacking behind with something I always can't grasp? This sucks, I shouldn't even be posting about this but who cares. I hate you, why are you taunting me indirectly? What's your motive, bitch! It's always like this, whenever I needed someone, they will just disappear like magic. And it's the same story every single time. But it's fine.

Ahh, I really need to buck up on my studies. My pace is getting slower with both of my modules due to the band thingy and ended up with me skipping alot of class just for the sake of the band.

Let's start the exam mode, Ikimasho.

Finals is finally over and done with, although we didn't really win the competition;
I feel that we won the audience hearts with our performance, and I really did enjoyed myself.
Anyway, here's the two videos (audition & finals)


For Her Sake - Audition



For Her Sake - Finals

I hope you enjoy it like we do, I admit we ain't really that great with a few cock-ups here and there but feel the music yo.
:)

Before this life is over, I will write this & dedicate to all of my dear friends;
You know who you are..

I promise you
I’ll never forget it, My precious ones
Who laugh with me, support me,
And keep me going.

No matter how we pursue our differences,
It never ends.
Through all these tears,
Will everyone understand this pain

I spend all my days here the same way,
chilling out, relaxed and unconcerned.
There are so many things to do,
A lot of them are impossible for me.

It’s totally overwhelming,
but I’m always ready to do what I can
because everyone has a smile on their face.

I may not say it very often,
but I really am grateful for my family and friends.
The time we spend together is so special,
I could never replace any of them.

We’ve got this moment, we’ve got each other,
stopping, standing and laughing together.
I’m so thankful, I could cry.

I just want everyone to be friendly in front of others
The loss of sadness makes everyone smile
Once in awhile, I use my own style to do things
I'm too embarrassed to say anymore, but thank you.

Sometimes, things are tense but things always end up good
Eventually, it comes from important and heartfelt wishes
But I am always thankful to be alive now
I'll tell you, I'm always happy.

Today, even tomorrow and the day after, we'll keep laughing together
We're all tied to the same fate
Today, and even tomorrow and the day after, we'll walk together
Whatever happens now, is meant to be.

Thank you very much, my dear friends.

Happy valentines day:

Eyes were shut
But the sunshine shone through the curtains of my eyes
I awoke to your voice thinking you'll be by my side

You and I were closed at heart
Please say that when we're apart
Time went too fast to feel your warmth and love

Your heart's never too wrong
Always beside you; that's all I wished for
Your heart's never too sad
Can't bear to lose my everything

Walking down those flight of stairs
Leaving path of footsteps
Sitting down on a chair
Leaving shadow to share

Standing still while loving you
Staring down at my shoes in tears
I want to follow what you left behind for me

Your call's never too short
Always beside you; that's all I wished for
Your heart's never too sad

Apart from today, you have gone away..

I know this is abit late, but For Her Sake made it through the auditions! Finals here we come.
It will be held at ITE Macpherson on the 25th of February. We have less than 19 days to practice and compose an original song. Wish us luck.

On a sidetrack, I've been busy with school; projects and assignments. One project and a test done, left with 2 more tests and I'm so going to concentrate on the band. Raimi and Farhaimi seems to be real busy with their life. But I'm fine with that.

And someone's being a real jerk.
If only..

Today was awesome, I swear that's the most fun audition I've ever done. Really almost everything went smoothly until the judges ask us to stop. That's stupid, what's worst is that they ask us to stop when it's left with 5 seconds more.
Fuck.

I hope we'll get through, pray for us;
For Her Sake.

This what I hate so much about time. In just a blink of an eye, January's already ending soon. But that's okay, atleast I've strengthen my own resolve along with my own group of friends.

This few days had been very great. Schedule was packed with outings and stuffs but luckily I had alot of rest today and now I'm very hyper.

Thanks alot, friends.

Life is getting better, I've managed to pass through a few tough waves. Now is the time where I will find back all of my stronger self and will come back with a better personality.

Just watch me, my strength of the world.

Fuck off, attention-seeker;
And this is the part of time where I need to doubt & trust.

Stuck midpoint between friends and lovers,
Like an unripe fruit dreaming about the day of harvest.
Being unable to just move one more step forward
Is what's causing this frustration

Sweet talk and tasteless conversations,
It sparks no interest in me.
Even when things do not go the way you want,
It doesn't mean you've thrown your life away.

When asked, "What's wrong?"
I answer, "It's nothing."
The smile that disappears after goodbye,
it's unlike me.

The more I wish to believe in you,
for some reason, it hurts even more.
"I like you a lot," instead of "I love you," sounds more like you.

A future, tender and warmer than a diamond,
I want to grasp it.
In this limited time we have,
I want to spend it with you.

When you say thank you to me,
for some reason, it hurts;
like a magic spell that doesn't
Get undone, even after the goodbye.
A hint of bitterness.
The flavor of life..

I've been limiting myself these days. My false fronts isn't really that strong, but I hate this feeling of being alone. The time where I'm going to lose everything is starting, I'm beginning to get stuck in this repeating story even if I don't want to.
This sucks.

When you're fated, no matter where you are; You will still meet the person you're supposed to meet, even at random places.

Right, full moon?

Another new story has already begun, the year 2009 is here. In just a few blink of an eye I waved goodbye to my most meaningful 2008, and welcomed the new year.
Honestly, I didn't expect it to end so fast. If it's possible could I please rewind back time and do all those things that I still had not done yet.

Oh, and this year's resolution? Nothing, I don't have one at the moment. All I know is to numb myself with all those pain.

Anyway, on the new year's eve; I went jogging in the morning of 31st December 2008, and around evening Raimi called and celebrated with him and a couple of friends. I was really tired, seriously can't anyone ever spare me a thought? Knowing that I didn't sleep the whole day yet I still tried my best to make it.

I ain't a robot, & I found myself back.
Kaien Hitori.

On hiatus until I can find my own self again.
Till then!

I can't hide behind this huge lie i told
I'll take in the truth; this is my final trip
The game I keep losing
From here on out my one dream has begun..
First of all, merry christmas to those who believe that santa claus existed ( I only believe Santana exist. :D )
Anyway, my holidays has been such a bore. It has been 4 days straight that I never went out to anyway except for just void decks to slack but not that long. I wonder what will happen when 2009 come eh?
For sure I really anticipate that year to be a lil less solemn for me.
I wanna meet my old friends back.
Please let me..

I'm suprised at how this ColorGenics accuracy of how my life are going right now and etc. It's the second time I took this test and it coincidentally predicted every single thing of what I'm feeling
Read this but I don't think you would understand.

Name: Kai
Date: 12/20/2008
Colorgenics Number: 14603527

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are feeling very disillusioned at this time and you feel that you are being left out of things. You know - or you think you know - what you want, but you seem unable to exert the effort to achieve your objectives. As a consequence, you are feeling left out and neglected. You would like to be afforded greater security and fewer problems.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.

From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

I could explain every single thing that is said here, but it's up to you to decipher it. Cause maybe, my only strength of the world has gone and hate me.
My last phase of friends seems to be doing well. I pray that they'll always be alright.
But on the other hand,
Noone seems to understand deep inside me, maybe noone ever will.

My closest relative ask me to write about her (or I think I was the one who wanted to).
Anyway, this is Farah Nuratikah. Given her japanese name it's Kamin Hikari Asuka.
Her name's really unique as the meaning is "a pure joyful light". Quite meaningful ey?

First I knew her we were like very very young and all we know was having fun and that was at malaysia when I first heard her name. Then I saw her and the first thing in my mind was like "Oh my, she's tall". From there we're really get very close (well not that much as now) and every year I always visited her house for raya. Which, the last time was last 3 years. We soon lost contact and now we contacted back through msn and last saturday I met her, she was almost as tall as me.

But anyway, what I'm trying to say here is thanks for everything, hearing me rant about random stuffs and yeah, about family things as well!

You know, your name really suits you well;
Like always..

See? Her face looks so fierce here, you wanna know why? Cause she's mine. Happy one month of love Nur Arifah Bte Ahmad!
Even though it's only a month, we've been through a lot of things ey? Really thanks a lot for your patience and everything else towards me. Appreciate it loads!
Thanks for the card, was really cute of you.
Words are just not enough to explain this feelings towards you.
I love you.

On the other hand, a used-to-be bestfriend of mine changed alot & today rain plan to jam. Let's just see what will happen ey?

Solemn's soul
Kai

Announcement: School's over for me, it's time to take a break from school and a lot of stuffs until next year. Atlast I have the free time (and ain't tired) to blog since today I don't have that much plan to go anywhere yet. I miss my old best buddies, Raimi & Farhaimi. It's been ages since we went out and slacked together. Cause I feel that we ain't that close anymore since Farhaimi's busy with her girlfriend and NS life, while Raimi with his classmates and etc. I don't know eh, I kinda feel sad. This solemn's soul of mine longs for a friendly warm hug to cool myself down from all this shits that's been happening all around me. I need to brace myself, maybe this is the phase where I have to experience again cause I feel that it's the time that I might lose every single thing that I had up until now.

I feel the pressure, it's coming down on me
It's turning me black and blue
You left me on the side of the road
And now I've got no place to go,
You brought the flood.

On the other hand, everyone's attitude changing towards me. Where's the strength of the world that you lend it to me some time ago?

Name: Kai
Date: 11/28/2008
Colorgenics Number: 10427635

At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stress and you are seeking a 'way out' but you are pushing too hard. Obviously you need peace, tranquillity and contentment. Your temperament is such that you are hoping, unrealistically perhaps, that your desires will shortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure what those true aspirations may be!).

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.

The stress and tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to your inability to achieve security and appreciation from those closest to you. This is resulting in considerable pressures. You find the situation as it stands most frustrating. You are the sort of person that would like to experience all and everything very intensely but unfortunately you are not receiving the warmth and understanding that you feel you are entitled to. Matters are not going too well. You seek a sympathetic ear but it is not forthcoming. This situation is extremely nerve-racking - and what is more humiliating is that no-one seems to care and you are powerless to do anything about it.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

Seemingly true, generated from goldinuniverse
Happy 18th birthday to Nuriskandar!
:)

Anyone who reads my blog, sorry for the late update! This month seriously was full of ups and downs! To some childish people, please grow up. If you got anything against me or what, just say it. No need to indirectly comment. Isn't it like so childish?
And it doesn't trouble anyone that I love my 14th love -nurarifah-! Please stop all this nonsense will you?

On the other hand, I've been frequently falling sick due to the bad weather, ahh I need to get well soon.

I miss my baby.
2 more weeks till 141208!
:D

♥141108
This is just one of those things that happened in this month. I finally found someone, her name is Nur Arifah.
Can say love at first sight? Whatever it is, bless us.

On the other hand, things is getting better and worst at the same time with me and a few of the people. I can't really understand why some people really have this temperamental personality, which can't really be understanding sometimes. I don't wanna say names, but it just doesn't really take much to atleast give a thought to what other people is feeling. And sometimes it also doesn't hurts to let out your real feelings right? And some other people also likes to hold grudges and stuffs, I can't say it's bad or good uh, cause I do have my own personal grudges, but sometimes it's just a bit too childish for someone to hold grudges over small little things.

Whatever it is
Grow up, childrens.
:)

Alot of things has happened lately, November isn't really a good month for me after all. One after another, a series of bad situations keep hitting me and my left eye kept twitching alot of time. Fuck this, let's talk about happy things shall we?
Or, can I?

Love like snow.

Let me apologize to begin with,
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
Somehow I got caught up in between

And trying to be someone else was harder that it seemed
Somehow I got caught up in between..

My pride and my promise
Between my lies & how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none.

And I cannot explain to you
In anything I say or do or plan
Fear is not afraid of you
Guilt's a language I can understand
I still cannot explain to you in anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can.

I'm sorry.

First of all, thanks again for those who wishes me, even those who wished me a belated one like Dheelah and stuffs. Anyway, happy belated birthday to Adilah (24th of october, Izzati (25th of october) & Wahdiah (30th of october).

Anyway it's already been more than a week since I last updated this blog so I will try to much about what happened this week. If I'm not wrong, the next day after my birthday I accompanied Acez out to collect his guitar with Iskandar too at peninsular. After that ate and slacked at around Marina Square with them. Around late afternoon, texted Farhaimi and Raimi asking them to meet me as it's been awhile since I hang out with them and all. So around 6+ met Raimi, Derrick & his friend at Marina Square's macdonalds. Slacked and around 8+ I went to meet Farhaimi and Iskandar at Funan IT mall but ate first at macdonalds. Chatted with my old buddies and went home around 10.
Sunday last minutely planned to meet Acez and Iskandar again and went for bowling at Safra. After that followed Acez's dad and went to a open house at around sengkang area. Was a very short day I had on Sunday but it wasn't the same thing the next day cause my bandmates and I went jamming, finally I've got most of the videos of us jamming so will post it up soon if I've got the time. Anyway, after jamming Acez's dad treated us to 'makan' at railway station and it was scrumptious! I ended the day around 11+.

I won't talk about school cause it seems like everyday's the same routine.

Wishes according to descending order:
Advanced (Before 12:00am):
1) Beloved Mother
2) Abang Zul, beloved second brother
3) DEE, someone from friendster
4) Acez from D'Immunities Masquerade, classmate & a good friend
5) Fathanah, Acez's love? (not sure, don't attack me!)
6) Wahdiah, Acez's friend
7) Cherilyn, my bestest webcam partner: someone from canada (migrated).


The day:
1) D'fiee, an online bestfriend
2) Iskandar, a classmate and one of my 4 bestest people from my clan
3) Munirah, 8 years bestfriend and still going on
4) Fiona, a new friend who doesn't know how to cycle but managed to atlast
5) Diyana, a friend from mIRC (good times)
6) Wahidah, neighbourhood's bestfriend: someone who totally figured me out
7) Eslynn, a schoolmate
8) Herny, Farhaimi's love
9) Farina, my guardian love angel
10) Edwina, a mapler from the other side of the world
11) Ivy, a mapler from Australia
12) Muhammad Asyraf, my cute nephew
13) Shahrin, one of my 4 bestest people from my clan
14) Kimberly, bestest sister from my class
15) Xue ting, ITE classmate
16) Magdalene, ITE classmate
17) Taufikq, ITE classmate
18) Sharif from D'Immunities Masquerade: a drummer, and a very old friend since primary 1
19) Han from D'Immunities Masquerade
20) Afiq from D'Immunites Masquerade
21) Farhaimi, my bestest and the most crappiest friend who never fails to make me laugh ever (5 years)
22) Raimi, my cutest guy friend who never fails to argue with me about almost everything but still am the bestest till now (5 years)
23) Anis from friendster
24) Rafika, an old friend from mIRC
25) Farah Nuratikah, my bestest niece ever
26) Siti Nurul, from friendster
27) Miss Choco, from friendster
28) Shafiqah, from friendster
29) Waniee, from friendster
30) Phyna, from friendster
31) Nurul (Teko), Farhaimi's ex
32) Zuaidah, from friendster
33) Era Nuramalina, an ex-schoolmate: someone i called the red specs-ed girl
34) Zakir, January intake schoolmate.
35) FarahLiyana, from friendster
36) Mark Joshua, from friendster
37) Lukman Hakim, Aljunied's ex-classmate
38) Lily ween, one of my bestest people as we have the same interest
39) Hazeel, someone I met last year right after I bought my hazel contacts
40) Aisyah, my ex-classmate's younger sister
41) Farah Suhaila, from friendster
42) Kinkin, a friend of Aisyah & Lukman (classmate)
43) Tony, a mapler from US: the bestest private server
44) Subject, a mapler from the other side of the world
45) Qid, an ex-colleague from KFC call centre
46) Linny, from friendster
47) Fina, Diah's friend
48) Bella, Diah's friend
49) Eza, Diah's friend
50) Nadiah, schoolmate.
51) Wani, Diah's friend
52) Eeka from friendster
53) Zahirah, Rafidah's friend: a very good ex-schoolmate of mine
54) Tyqa from friendster
55) Feeza, little miss busy
56) Syuhaidah, Rafidah's friend: a very good friend, allies and everything else categoried under friends
57) Sharon, a new friend I made at Safra's bowling
58) Jazzie, a mapler from Australia: jap freak just like me
59) Eileen, from friendster
60) Zakiah, from friendster
61) Adilah, my ex-schoolmate: at that point of time, the only person who shares the same birthday.
62) Haninah, from friendster
63) Izzati, a used to be the closest last time since her birthday's one day after mine

Will update this soon, haven't yet 12:00am I have people wishing me: pemalas betol.
Edit number 2:
Updated at 8:42pm, haven't yet finished my day so still waiting for more people.
Anyway, thanks alot guys and girls and note that some names are clickable :)
I really love you all.
Sorry to some people that I lied about my whereabouts. Haha, wasn't really in the mood in the first place.

Anyway, let's update a real post about today now:
Yesterday I slept around 12+ in the morning as I have a few birthday wishes through messages so checked them and slept. Woke up at 7am and was really sleepy but forced myself to wake up. Went to school and first lesson was sports & wellness as usual. Pretty bored and I told you only my clan knows my birthday and Kimberly too. Felt a little bit down but I don't mind since I'm a nobody in class. Then suddenly this one time I suddenly randomly sang "Happy birthday to me" in a sad tone and it was very irritating (I guess?) so Acez told Mdm Bok that it's my birthday today. So yeah after school some people from my class wished me and stuffs. I don't know if it's sincere or not but thanks anyway guys! So yeah after school, all my band mates seemed to be busy today so planned to sent Iskandar home. Reached his house and ended up we changed and slacked at his place, made his new friendster and help Acez's too. Around 2pm went to Iskandar's work place (Pacific Coffee Company) to slack and stuffs. There's this one part that really really make me awed when Iskandar forked out money to buy me a slice of tiramisu with a cute candle. That was the first slice of cake that were given to me from a friend and I really really appreciate it alot (Hontou ni!). So ate that tiramisu and went to food court to eat with Acez. Ate and chit chatted, snapped and coincidentally met a friend from Bridge Leader so yeah, talked for awhile and snapped some shots again. Went back to Iskandar's place and slacked until 6pm. Went home and my aunty bought me a birthday cake and really it was the second 'aww-ness' for today. Haven't really ate yet cause it's tiramisu too! (Is today a tiramisu day?) Ahh, anyway felt quite lonely cause it's still just a simple day until Wahdiah called and sang me a birthday song together with her friends. I laughed and I really held back my tears of joy. But still I felt like I'm troubling alot of people. But anyway, after all that Wahidah suddenly called and asked me to come down right away. At first I thought she was at pasir ris and told me she couldn't meet me today but then suddenly when I came down, it was my guardian love angel. It was pretty sweet as she came down my void deck and suprised me like hell load cause she wanted to accompany me throughout the night. And thanks to Wahidah and her for the cute Jerry's cake. Honestly thank you.

I love you, my dearest angel
Ain't invisible no more.

It's already a week again since my post and seriously school's been tiring me out day by day. Let's start out with last friday which was my class's bbq pit.

In the morning, had sports & wellness and we played soccer. It was very heaty so I played for awhile and slacked until the next lesson which was maths. Did the usual stuffs and went home straight to pack things up for bbq pit. Planned to meet Acez at Ang Mo Kio so took bus number 22 and it was a very long ride and as I was tired, dozed off at the bus. Acez called and said to meet at 2.30 there. And I was right on time! Waited for Acez and he arrived along with Sha, Han and Fahmy. Went to peninsular to fix Acez's broken strings and also altered Han's pants. After that, went to eat at long john silver as I didn't really ate anything in the morning. Ate, laughed and went to snap alot of photos which some is still with Acez. After all those, took 197 and went straight to the bbq pit. Reached and it was still the same as the one that i organized. Didn't really see any differences. But although all that, I still enjoyed the bbq pit even though there's some people who pisses me off big time. Oh so I overnight-ed there until the next morning, and as always made some new friends.

The next day, I didn't really get any sleep as my band mates wanted to jalan raya again so visited a couple house and really, it was very tiring so right after I reached home after all those, knocked out until the next morning which I didn't really went out anywhere except meeting Wahidah, take care my best friend.

And all the way till now, was school and someone in my class is being a bitch, oh wait! she is a bitch. -.-

5 more hours to go, and it's my day (I hope)

It's been a week now since I last update, I bet noone even reads my last post right? Ahh, anyway last week to end it off it was a very long, fun and enjoying week. Thursday, the 9th of October I went to meet Raimi if I'm not wrong. As usual, a last minute plan around 7+. Met him and went to kallang's macdonald which was pretty far if we were to walk, but since we've got nothing to do we walked there and ate. Slacked and talked about somethings which I've forgotten then around 10 went home.

Friday, 10th of October I actually had plan to jam with my band but ended up it was cancelled so I followed Raimi and his friends 'jalan raya' and seriously I tell you it was damn fun! To start off, first house was Raimi's as Faiz (one of Raimi's classmate) wanted to rent Raimi's Dad's car so that's why everyone met there. Was supposed to meet at 10.30am but I was quite late as I reached there around 11.15 but it was better than Azrin as he came around 11.30. Haha! So around 10 minutes after Azrin arrived, set off to our second house which is Fahmie's house. Jalan-ed raya with two cars and with friends is seriously a great experience, a memorable one. So reached Fahmie's house after going to petrol station and stuffs, we arrived abit late and didn't have enough time to go for friday prayers ended up we slack at his house until 2+ where we proceeded to our thirday house which is Fattah's I think? As usual, slacked and ate those delicous kuihs and proceeded to Firin's house, there we ate lontong and it was very yummy! Then around 4+ I think, went to Julina's place and her younger brother was so cute. This is just a summary through all of the houses so that I will remember some things whenever I read this post. So after her house, went to Faiz's friend's house which I don't know his name but he joined us after went to his house. It's Shazwani's house! It's been a long time since I met her and her belo face, and she's my schoolmate anyway. Haha! After slacking there, went to our last house which is Amy from Mechanical Engineering course. It was already 10.20pm and some guy really had to destroy all of the people's mood. Ahh, but still I had fun jalan-ing raya with Raimi and his classmates, thanks to Firin and Faiz for driving and sending us home one by one! Let's do this again next year!

The next day Acez last minutely planned to jalan raya so around 10.30, went to his house by taxi and ended up that I was the second one to arrived. Ate spaghetti and around 11+ Wahdiah, Wani, Farhan and Afiq arrived so we proceeded to our second house which was Farhan's house. Reached there and as usual did those stuffs. Oh and we watched some old malay movie. Very cool! "Malaikat mauuuuuut" Haha, inside joke.
Anyway, after that went to Murni's house and her younger sister's very cute, so chubby! Only like half a month's old? Haha! So off to Afiq's house, there we snapped alot of shots, ate and around 4+ went to Izza's house. She's an old friend of mine from IRC and yeah, relived some old moments. Oh and that point of time I realized Izza was actually also a friend of Afiq. And another this is that, my band's drummer was actually my own classmate from primary 1 till primary 3. Suprising really, couldn't stop laughing and stuffs. Haha, so yeah after Izza's house, went to macpherson to me and my drummer's old friend, Kamil I think. Reached there and slacked all the way until around 8+ where we decided to call it a day as everyone was pretty tired including me. Sent a friend home and off I go from Jurong East all the way till Simei.

The last day of that week, Sunday I went to visit my only close cousin at woodlands oh and I met Farina to pass her my spare phone. ;DD
Anyway, went there by taxi and the taxi was being a bitch as it was really damn slow. Arrived around 3+, ate and slacked with my cousin Hanip. It was actually her sister's birthday party but I didn't get to stay: So sorry Kak Wahidah! Ahh, and a last minute plan again by Ace as he invited me to join them jalan raya. So taxi-ed again over to Yishun and met them. It was Han's supervisor's house so slacked, didn't really eat as I didn't have the appetite. Around 7.30+, off to the next house which is also Han's supervisor. There we ate spaghetti and it was really delicious I tell you, but then again it's FREE. That's why! *giggles*
So yeah after that went to our second last house which is Wahdiah's following by Wani's. Ended the whole day at around 11.30 and there was no train left from Jurong, so I taxi-ed home.

Monday was the first day of school after three weeks of holidays and I was just starting to feel the holiday mood. Fuck school, but then again met with my clan was really awesome I tell you. Until today, it was just like any other school day except that our clan's now the phantom of the opera (inside joke).

Tomorrow's class bbq pit, fuck that.
I love you, my angel.

A week of raya has already passed by and I still yet to feel any atmosphere from it at all. But anyway here's my "long update" since I never really had the time or should I say the laziness in me just doesn't want to update it.

So here it is:
First day of raya never really went out anywhere, as oyaji-san was working. Felt real frustrated on that day as I planned to visit my relatives house after he finished working. But he wasted time and all and ended up never went anywhere. Oh and my sister's family and one of my aunt's family came by to visit us. My nieces and nephew has really grown up. My cousins are still the same, the only cousins that I'm closed with last time.

Second day of raya parents and I decided to visit my grandmother's house. Went there around 3+, and slacked there until 5, where we visit my aunt under my father's side. Seriously never felt the atmosphere at all, still we just visitted most of the 'usual' house that we visitted. And around 6+ Acez called and he wanted to jam so around 7+ went to yishun and met them at our old jamming place. Jammed and the video clips were very clear! But wasted that the Han's memory card was corrupted then everything was a waste. After that, reached home around 12+.

Third day of raya was friday and Lukman (my madrasah's ex-classmate) invited me to join them to visit our old friends and teachers so I decided to join them. Met at ghufran's mosque and did our friday prayers. After that, first house was Taufiq Kasan's house. Total there was six including me and our first meeting point were at his house too. After his house, went to our teacher's house, which was Ustaz Rosli's. Which he still remembered what I did during my madrasah years. Was really funny back then but it's all just memories of a distant time. After his house, went to Imron's house, he's one of my closest friends back then and he changed alot! His maturity now was really a big difference from last time. Slacked there and around 6+, went to our fourth house which was Cikgu Mustafa's. Didn't really remembered him that much but my friends told me the 'golden teeth' he had. Very brief description which made me remembered him back! Hahaha, So reached his house and did I mentioned that we ate at almost every house? I could get real fat (okay that's a lie). Hur, anyway talked about our old times and around 8+, went to Syafiee's house. His the most goodie2shoe in our class and his the smartest to. I respected him alot as he isn't really tainted by the corruptions of this world. Slacked at his house and around 9+, went to our last house which was Lukman's. Went there by mrt and reached his house around 10.30. Slacked and was very very tired, talked about the politics in this world and we got carried away until 11. Took our last photograph together and went home by 969. And my handphone's really being a bad bitch for it's reception and stuffs. But at bus, talked on the phone with Wahidah and decided to conference with her and Farina. :D

Reached home around 1 and was shagged, I still remembered what we talked about at the phone and thanks alot, loves.

The next day Wahidah and I already decided to meet at her house cause of something(s) with Farina too. Sorry to you as I didn't really talk much. Slacked at her house from 1 till 6 and Acez last minute-ly invited me to join him together with Sha, Han, Acez's sister and his dad. Really sorry to both Wahidah and Farina for not able to slack until night.

Went home first to get change to my traditional clothes and met them at Yio Chu Kang's mrt station. Sorry too for being late but it was really a last minute plan right? Went there by taxi and that driver really drove me fast. Reached and went off by Acez's van. Didn't really know most of his relatives/friend's but we'd just visited them. Snapped alot of pictures but everything is at Acez's camera so I will update them when I received it okay?

Sunday was pretty mundane as slacked at home all the way till at night where Farhaimi last-minutely again asked me to accompany him to Sim Lim Square to surveyed for a portable charger. Tough luck bro, there wasn't any for his LG phone. Ate with him at Burger King, slacked & chit-chats. Around 11, went home by mrt. Felt really sucky as the next day was my 3 days 2 nights camp and I still haven't packed anything yet. So packed and was finished by around 2 in the morning. Talked with Farina & Wahidah for awhile and after that, tucked in to bed.

Monday was my first day of camp, felt pretty tired as I lacked of sleep but had to drag myself to go. Met Iskandar, Rain and Acez at safra and proceeded to auditorium for briefing and stuffs. Rain and I was in the same group in camp while Iskandar and Acez in a different group, felt really sucky at first but had to just bear with it. Lucky for me my group doesn't really have any stupid matrips but then I'd thought the groups were a mixed campus. Ended up that it's the same campus although I still ain't happy about the whole thing, just kept quiet. So proceeded to the campsite around 10pm and bid my farewell to love cause I know I won't have much time to text her and stuffs. Reached there and I seriously hate the camp chief! Too naggy and going too much by the book and stuffs. But our group's instructor was really fun, he had the fierce look actually but ended up he's just the same kind as us. Very fun-like, and actually all our instructors were the same! Ahh, anyway the activities were very tiring but our dorm's was pretty okay except that the campsite has alot of those bugs and there were wild dogs too! Finished our ice-breaking activities and lights out at 11pm. Texted love, and my group decided to hear 'mystery at 12' on 89.7FM and ended up that my clan (Acez, Rain, Iskandar) slept at the above part of the bed together. Hahaha!
Dozed off around 3.00pm and I was awake around 3.50 and even though I'm really tired I can't sleep due to the weird noises there and the crampy place, I decided to wake Iskandar up and transferred below.
By the time I really got some sleep it was already 6.30pm. Washed up and do the morning exercise, had breakfast and did all those troublesome activities and stuffs.
The bond that was created within our group was really tight and the last main event was the campfire. Really had a fun night, especially when it comes to my group's performance (as we danced to this cute song), Iskandar's group's performance, and Ace's as I really think that all four of us were really the unique us that night.
Memorable as ever.
After all that's finished, had a last minute night walk and it was really sucky. Didn't really enjoyed that but I was partnered with one of my group-mate, Sham. Talked and talked while walking and atlast, finished the whole thing, had supper and slacked all the way till 4+. As always I was the last one to sleep.

The last day of camp was okay, had debrief about things and I gained some of my lost self-esteems and confidence much. Packed our things and off to home. Or is it? Went to food culture to eat with Iskandar & Acez as Rain went home cause he has his own plans. Slacked and around 3+ had a last minute jamming session with my band at tampines. Was a bit cocked up cause of the camera's battery died on us so we just practiced everything without recording. We just barely saved our 2 songs. And around 7, finished jamming and went home.

Thanks a lot like love.

I'm going camp for three days, will be back on wednesday to bring you the longest update ever.
:)

Berlalulah sudah ramadhan,
Sebulan berpuasa,
Tiba syawal kita rayakan
Dengan rasa gembira

Anak muda di rantauan,
Semuanya pulang ke desa
Ibu dan ayah keriangan
Bersyukur tak terkira..

The day has finally arrived, a full whole month has passed us by in a blink of an eye it's already hari raya.
Fasting month has ended and boy there's alot of tests.
It somehow made me realised alot of things and it's the most precious of all to have those loved friends by your side until this very day.
To those who aren't really friends with me cause of someway or another, I'd like to apologise for all the mistakes and wrongdoings and I hope that you will all forgive this little human being who can't run away from mistakes.

I love you all:
Munirah, Wahidah, Wahdiah, Ace, Afiq, Farhan, Sya, Murni, Iskandar (Classmate), Shahrain, Raimi, Farhaimi, Iskandar, Hairee, Azrin, Afifah, Mother, 2nd Brother.

If I got missed anyone, I'm terribly sorry but don't worry I still love you all for making a difference in me no matter how big or small it is.
Thanks!

Lastly, Selamat Hari Raya to all the muslims all over the world, to those who never fast cannot celebrate eh, just kidding.
;)

The days seems to pass by very fast! In a blink of an eye, it's already the 25th day of fasting month and I still yet to buy things for my raya. Maybe I'm planning to buy grey as it is seemed a bit dull this year uh? Oh don't worry about my last post on saturday cause maybe for me, it's a meaningful day ever. I don't make sense right? I know.

So on sunday never really went out anywhere, as I was busy 'super-hardcore' spring cleaning my house and it's still havent clean yet up till this day. Theres like loads of junk things dated from the year 2000 and my parents wants to keep them. It's like comeon, 8 years has passed by and nobody even used those things so I told them to just throw those junks away. Now that my room's abit tidier, I could finally have some breathing space.

And did I mention that I have a new haircut last friday? It really doesn't look good on me cause it's super short. The hairstylist that cuts my hair doesn't really understand simple english and I was like.. Wtf? Hah, but anyway, it will grow back to the way it was anyway, although it is very troublesome to wait for months and months. Bigsighs.

Farhaimi and a few of my friends went to serve National Service already, kinda missed their company and stuffs. I hope this Saturday will be a blast as Farhaimi planned to break fast together somewhere. I can't wait to see his face with bald hair. Hee!

& My wish finally came true,
Till here then.

Feelings like sand
Falling through my hands
Back then, the words that pierced my heart
Suddenly started to throb with pain, but..

Even though I tried to yell, my voice didn't come
And the tears poured out.

I've searched for pieces of myself,
Counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain
I almost lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.

PS: Seriously, thank you for seeing through.

I am sick and tired of all this, someone save my day please?

I leave all of the memories from a time
Where my bestfriend said "He, my boyfriend? It won't happen"
Or I said those things that which may hurt you.
Even when this time it keeps moving forward,
I will stop, and pray for you
Teacher..
How I wish, we humans could just stop the time, appreciate all those people around us, rewind back those memorable times and play it over and over again? I won't elaborate much here but all I want to say is to pray for her, arwah cikgu amini.
Those who doesn't know her, she's my malay teacher in my arabic school years and I really appreciate what she has done for the school and us, the students.

And thanks bestfriend for reminiscing the times we had during our arabic school years together, even though it was kinda short for me we still had our good and bad times from the silly little fights, sulking to the happy times where we exchanged notes and our little secret journal. Seriously, I love you.

Let's stop.

On that day,
My heart crumbled in silence
Even though I scream at being broken,
Inerasable memories and
Darkness flow into my eyes
I sink into tomorrow
Whose colors can’t even be seen anymore
I searched endlessly for the day of reconciliation
Only for the sake of losing it,
I will live for the present
Before I knew it, I became used to the things I've lost
Even the things which were placed into my hands slipped through my fingers..

I didn't really went out yesterday, just slack at home. Was actually very pissed off by some things, but I really can't do anything. After all, it's just too..
pathetic.

Today was pretty fun, went out to jam with my band. Was supposed to met at 2, but most of us were late so I met them around 3. The owner was pretty late too so had to wait for him to come and started jam around 5+. Had some inconvenience but we managed to cover alot of songs now. I think if it continues with this pace, we could really make it.



Finished jamming around 6.30+, so decided to break our fast outside. Was a very last minute plan but luckily I brought some extra-cash. We break our fast at a coffeeshop near that jamming centre and my body just can't take alot of food. Ahh, anyway reached home around 9+ as after that, slacked a while at a void-deck playing tekken: resurrection.

To Wahidah: I know I'm a little bit sucky in real life when it comes to cheering up someone cause really, I can't ever ever speak from the heart, it's just hard so.. Please cheer up, don't think too much about it cause you know you have your great friends and family (even though.. they are still your family right?) so yeah, just don't cry and keep smiling..

PS: That phrase.. it reminds me of someone.. my first.. love..

When I remember far far back
The future was bright for as far as I can see
Underneath the beautiful blue sky
we were a little afraid
The windows are becoming stained with a nostalgic color

If I face forward will I meet you again?
The future continues on and on
Underneath a large signboard
I want to watch as the times change

I open the window
to those people and places I can never go to
I think back to the things we couldn't do together and find them dear
Underneath the blue sky..

First thing to shout out loud: Examinations are over baby! But yesterday for Digital Principles and Applications I did the worst careless mistake which made me lose alot of marks. And something happened at the examination room.

When I first reached school, I noticed Iskandar never wore proper school attire as he was wearing the school's PE t-shirt. Ace had actually already advised him to wear proper attire but he was a little bit lazy and stubborn. See what happened? You were nearly been disqualified from taking the exam and needed to repeat. Seriously it was very lucky for you that our section head was very laid-back uh? And I'm glad for you too.

So yeah, after the exams it was hurray for me as I finally could relax a little bit. We went to the bazaar at around 900+ and bought air kathira(sp?). Slacked here and there, surveyed and went home around 5+.

Today I slept late after sahur (around 8+?) as I was chatting with an old friend. It's been awhile hasn't it? Ahh, still I woke up very late by a call from Ace as he wants me to come for the CCA. Well I thought I would be bored at home so why not yeah?

So reached school around 2.15pm and there was a "lot" of people attended the CCA. Oh well, accompanied them and slacked there as well. After the CCA went to pacific coffee company to slack with Ace while waiting to break fast. Oh and we bought nasi briyani from the bazaar. Was very full just by eating that only. It was worth the 4 bucks. After breaking fast with Iskandar and Ace, went home by mrt.

I found someone who has exactly the same mind as I am, And had the same name as my fragmented past.
Thanks, fate?

Kiotsukete!

mood: emotional
The flowing tears quietly tell me
About the end of something
In the blue sky that I looked up to from between the clouds
Certainly there's no such thing as rain that won't stop

I gently wipe the dripping water away from my eyes
Before I know it, the rain's stopped
Silence envelops me
The rainbow arch has appeared
So that I'll say something

The smell of the asphalt after the rain puts me at ease
My worn out heart suddenly begins to dance
I dance in a puddle, below that rainbow
I take a step forward with my sneakers that are soaked through

The sadness will clear up one day
The thing that I saw to make me weep all day long
Was the light that dyes my heart in rainbow colors

The flowing tears quietly tell me
About the end of something
In the blue sky that I looked up to from between the clouds
Certainly there's no such thing as rain that won't stop
Inside my wounded heart
A bright rainbow is out
Yes, everything will start from here
It will clear up one day, no rain no rainbow

The day will come when I feel nostalgic
Even about the worries that I have right now
Until then, it's alright to cry
This is the passing point of a long life
It's alright to stop moving sometimes
Until it's washed away by the tears

It might all just be for nothing
I've thought that so many times
I've sacrificed everything
And I've thought about giving up
But instead of living my life making to someone else
As to why I can't do it
If I can't do it, then even though it may be awkward
I should go up against it in my own way

Everyone is carrying pain around with them
Certainly right now, we're in pain
Even on those sleepless nights, stand firm and endure
Endure even in painful situations
Because those days will make you stronger

It pierces through a crack in the clouds so brightly
The light envelops everything

In order to rescue myself from this monochrome world
I'm going to dab in some rainbow colors without making a sound..

I'm feeling real frustrated with everything lately, even to my ownself. I can't keep up with those expectations from everyone. It's best if I were to go back to my olden days self isn't it? Where I won't be bothered with anything but my ownself.

Let me tell you why, firstly third brother is a sucker, he kept accusing me of things I never did always. I was being patient and didn't really bothered about him but yesterday was just too much, you were being too selfish, controlling everything for your own selfish self. And when things get wrong you just pin-point the blame on me! Ahh, I wish I could just run as far away as possible from this pathetic home.

Cause I really don't have any bonds or good ties with my family, all I see everyday is just the same repeating story. I need a miracle, or just something that could get me understand whats the meaning of family is.
People kept saying family comes first and stuffs, but to me what for having them to come first when they don't even help a single thing in my life and my own lifeskills? Whatever sia.

Anyway, yesterday met Iskandar right after I quarelled at home and studied with him at pacific coffee company. However while I was studying, Rahimah called me and wanted me to go accompany her watching Avril Lavigne live. Sorry though cause I was hardcore studying. Oh and we ate KFC for break-fast, was really full and after that. Continued studying until 10+ and went home by mrt.

Today was my first examination and it was communication & networking. Arrived school at 12.30, and revised and scanned through all of the topics. Was pretty nervous so decided to revise and revise again and squeeze all the information inside me. And then around 3 went to the exam's place. When I received that paper, thank god most of the things that I studied came out except for just 1 or 2 questions. Although I did a few careless mistakes but I'm confident I will pass, Insya'allah.

Yosh! One down, last one to go!
Ikuze! (Let's go!)

mood: disappointed
Life Goes On
I wonder if it’s weak to let you know when I’m feeling sad
Would it be alright to reveal when I’m heartbroken?

I’ve just got to believe
Even if I have no place to go anymore as darkness closes in
I won’t hesitate to step forward because you’re here with me now

The tears I’ve cried will surely become shining crystals
I’ll softly hold you, I’ll be with you..
You taught me how to be true to myself
So I’ll always believe as I move forward

I’m trying to figure out what I can actually do for you
Seems there’s so many things I can’t

I am to be with you
I remember your words and nod my head
On a night when the stars are close enough to grab
Let’s make a vow of eternal love

The tears I’ve cried will surely become shining crystals
With a trembling heart, you’re by my side
Even if my voice won’t reach you and I feel like giving up
I’ll never let go of your hand as I move forward..
Life goes on

The wind never stops and pushes us forward
Even as time goes by, you’re my sweetheart
We’ll make the future we dreamed about come true beyond the twinkling stars
That’s why we should be together when it happens
Cause life still goes on..

I can't really bring myself to wake up early to go to school ever since the fasting month has started, so on Thursday I was really late, reached school at around 11.57am, which was just 3 minutes before my communications and networking class ended. So after that class, went to safra and decided to bowl with Ace.
And I developed a new technique for bowling, it's called 'Chidori: Bowling Version'.
Haha!
Got 4 strikes total, was aiming to do more but my pace kept decreasing so yeah, anyway soon after we finished our first game, Iskandar came and joined us.
Around 1pm, went back to school to finish up our project work and boy, it was really testing my patience cause me and Rain's project work were so hard to fix it, but in the end we still manage to get it to work.
After finishing up our project, I tried to help Ace's project to get it working, and thank god their's could work too! But some people, really is saying things that I never did, but in reality, he is the one who is doing the same thing that he said to me. I'm really frustrated about that, cause even though I kinda played around in class, that doesnt mean I never did ANY class work at all! Not like you! Ah, whatever. So to me, whenever a classmate really needs help about school work, I would really try my best to help them——no matter who they are. But it isn't really that wrong to even atleast appreciate me right? Not like that particular someone who didn't even reply my texts and stuffs. And, sorry to Iskandar for cancelling our study plan at the very last minute.

Yesterday didn't really go to school, despite promising that small girl 'Kimberly' that I will go. Sorry! I just can't bring myself to go to school these days. So around 2+, met Ace and Han at ang mo kio and studied with them for awhile. Practiced my guitar skill and I think it's becoming worst. So decided to lend Afiq his guitar so I could practice at home. Around 5.30+, decided to go home cause I promised Wahidah I'm breaking fast at his house, again. And there's a last minute plan by Rahimah, but I just cancelled it cause it was a last minute plan anyway but I'm sorry too! So reached her place at around 6.50+, and when its time to break my fast, I was really full even though I ate a little bit. So weird! Haha, had a fun time breaking my fast with her family. And another outburst of laughter really cheered me up.

So around 8, went home and changed to slippers as I wanted to pray. And I met some old friends there. They never change but it's okay. So slacked with them after praying and around 10, met Wahidah back and studied with her until 2+. And thanks for the ruffles. Still, I'm very very disappointed to that particular someone who didn't really reply my text at all.
Ahh what the heck,
I give up..

mood: tired;
By Myself
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride behind these bad dreams
And give into sad thoughts that are maddening?

Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness?
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then.
I just end up getting hurt again

By myself
I ask why but in my mind I find
I can't rely on myself
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on to anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on
Then they'll take from me till everything is gone

If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer

How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid and I'm out of touch
How do you expect I will know what to do
When all I know is what you tell me to

Don't you know?
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what it do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside..

Today was seemingly frustrated, firstly because I went to a last minute study plan and I was late because of two bus——23 & 5, arriving very late was okay, but the bus really drives super "fast" that even my grandmother could do better. But oh well, need to be patient as it's the fasting month. So I reached Iskandar's bus stop and went suntec by 857. Met Ace there and went to pacific coffee company to study.

There I studied communications & networking and it was a really intense one as it was cold inside, making me feel uber-hungry. But lucky for me, my resolve was stronger then my desire to eat. So yeah, studied and studied and around 5.30, sent Ace home as I wanted to waste some time for buka. After that, went back there and go buy food for buka. Ate nasi lemak and I felt really bloated just by eating that, Haha!

After buka-ing, went back to study and I realised that I didn't really focus on some important chapters. I really need to buck up, can someone please motivate me? Heh, so studied and studied until around 10+ went home by train. And this world is really small uh? No matter how hard I try to avoid it, there surely be some connections here and there.

You know what I mean, right——love?

mood: sleepy
Cyan
I've lost sight of it before
It will probably continue on forever
It's just repeated over and over
The foolish drama
I lost it while still not knowing
A dream that should have been unshakeable
I can no longer turn back
A person abandoned in the era

I counted the drifting nights I searched for a reason there
Softly, i counted the nights, while wishing in there for a meaning.
In the futility of trying to live on, i cut myself to pieces

I saw a dream once
It shined brightly and I smile
I can no longer smiled as I did in those pure days
Suddenly it passed me
The cold air of a dead leaf's scent
I realized the shortness of the time I have left

In the drifting powder snow what is there that I can do?

And in the shining brilliance of the you I met the clouded sky covered the sun
Why are we separated so far despite the intense longing?

I met you only that
I remember in life no matter how cruel it is
This unalterable distance a love beneath glass
A clouded sky the you lost in fog
They start again,
The meaningless distorted days..


The fasting month has begun, I need to strengthen my resolve. It has been two days since it started, and maybe after all I could survive fasting for the whole month.
But what really irritates me is that, parents kept fighting; nagging and etc early in the morning and sometimes even when they're fasting they still kept doing the same things over and over again. Give me a break will you?

Anyway, Sunday didn't really went out anywhere except to accompany Wahidah to library as she wants to borrow some novels. And around night-time, went to pray terawih at my void-deck.
It is really convenient to have it right downstairs. And for this month, I really want to cleanse my heart from those corrupted feelings, can I?
Oh, and it was really fast too, the prayer atleast.
So after that, went home straight as I went alone there.

Monday was the first day of fasting, and I tell you, I ate alot in the morning and felt really bloated.
Was feeling frustrated as my ruffles were finished by some human beings in my house.
Still, I managed to survive the whole day without feeling hungry at all.
Thank god!
Oh, and for the first day, Wahidah asked me to break fast at her house so around 6+, went there and her family's atmosphere is really something. Those outburst of laughters really made it lively and stuffs. Never felt this before but it was real good. After breaking fast with them, prayed and there's this funny incident where this particular someone's friend shouted "Hi, Kai!" and the guys that were sitting in front of me thought she was shouting to them, was really funny. Anyway, after all of that I went home straight around 9+ after sending wahidah to the mrt.

I didn't went to school today, as I really can't wake myself up to go. And this laptop kept giving me endless problems. So I spent the whole day at home, fixing this laptop and now it's finally okay--that explains the late update!. Actually today had plans with that particular someone but in the end it was cancelled at the last minute so break fast at home. And some people, is really irritating.

But let me hear why I have to fight?

mood: suprisingly tired.
Ash Like Snow
The sky is dyed red by the ebony darkness,
And the distant stardust swallowed up,
In this transient moment as the snowing ashes fall.

I watched it through the window of grief.
I never dreamed
I stand frozen.
There… I come for you.

My hopes were alone in the desolate night sky,
They soared high until they were crushed.
Each time the world changes shape,
The things I want to protect,
I end up breaking them.

Oh, the sinful darkness tugging at my heartstrings,
Your voice is like anaesthesia,
Coldly, it robs me of my senses.

No matter how we pursue our differences,
It never ends.
Why do I have to fight?

Even if the light is extinguished,
Even if this earth disintegrates,
I won’t ever forget:
That tiny wish,
It will guide us to our ideal place.

There I come for you yeah
Ash like snow is falling down from your sky
Let me hear why I have to fight?

My hopes were alone in the desolate night sky,
They soared high until they were crushed.
In exchange for glory that triumphs over darkness,
I have given up many things I sought to protect.
It’s falling from your sky
This is too futile.
I will come for you

Every time the scattered broken pieces cut me,
Deep down in my closed heart,
I choose to grow stronger.
And I came this far..

this will be a long post,
so bear with me
firstly
happy 19th birthday to raimi and 16th birthday to wahidah on wednesday, 27th august.
so after school,
had this small reunion party with the january intake people,
and i really despise looking at some people's face
really!
but still it was enjoying,
the food that is
after that party,
was very late to meet wahidah as it's her birthday so decided to celebrate with her.
slacked with her at waterbreaker near pasir ris park,
chit-chatted,
and went back to simei and accompanied her until 10+,
and then went home.

thursday was pretty mundane,
didn't really go anywhere after school, thanks to that, i got alot of time to rest.
but woke up at night to draw some things for the teachers the next day.

friday was a very long day
went to school,
celebrated teacher's day,
gave out the cards to all the teachers that taught us,
and we had a small party specially for our class advisor.
it was really fun,
thanks guys.
so after school went to meet farhaimi and accompanied him to meet his girlfriend at bedok and sent her bagpack.
then farhaimi asked me to accompany him to nanyang poly, as his girlfriend asked me and him for some help.
so yeah,
proceeded there,
and helped out in somethings.
i got a glimpse of how poly life is, i'm not really looking forward to it,
but oh well.
after that,
went to eat at macdonalds there,
and it was damn cheap i tell you.
ate,
and went back home to change as i was still in my uniform.
around 9+,
went to meet farhaimi at his house,
then proceeded to airport and fetched wahidah as well cause i wanted to study with her.
managed to finish my assignment.
and slacked at airport until first bus.
was very tired so reach home and straight-away knocked out.

woke up around 2+,
and went to wahidah's birthday party.
i didn't know anyone of them except for a few people,
which i can't really clique with them,
still,
enjoyed, had fun with her and her cousin and etc
and around 6+,
went to city hall to meet raimi and azrin to go baybeats 2008.
was very chaotic,
and i coincidentally met alot of people, and eeka too.

how pathetic humans are especially those typical types, they only know how to act tough in front of so many people,
but actually they're not.
anyway

met saiful too,
and one of his friend which is rahimah rahim from singapore idol 2 years back.
i didn't expect she was very fucking friendly.
seriously,
had fun talking to her and stuffs,
and she was really really bubbly.
haha!


this week was a pretty long, enjoyable and fun time i had.
thanks.

but..
love?